JOKES! JOKES! JOKES
A SYSTEM FOR CAMPING
A loaded mini van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the ten. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters’ father, “that, sir is some display of teamwork.”
The father replied, “I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”
HIS WISH WAS GRANTED
There was an RVer named Art from Portland, Oregon who stumbled upon a Genie in a bottle who granted him one wish. Art said, “I want to explore the big island of Hawaii I my motor home, but I can’t afford to send it there by ship. So my wish is that you build a road from the coast of Oregon to Hawaii. The Genie replied, “I’m sorry, but that is too difficult. The length and the depth of the ocean would make that task impossible even for a Genie like me. So you must make another wish.” Art quickly replied, “Okay, I never could understand women. I want to know “how do they think and what do they really want?” The Genie paused for a moment, deep in though, and then replied, “Do you want that two lanes or four?”
Two women that are dog owners are arguing abut which dog is smarter.
First woman: “My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.”
Second woman: “I know..”
First woman: “How?”
Second woman: “My dog told me.”
THE PARROT THAT WOULDN’T SHUP UP
Bill, an Rver from Omaha, travels in his motor home with a talkative but foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near AZ, the bird’s swearing got to be too much. So Bill locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. But it didn’t help, the bird kept right on swearing. The next day, the bird was even worse. So, as a last resort, Bill tossed it into his spacious Dometic freezer. After five minutes, all was quiet. Worried the bird might be freezing, Bill took it out. “I’m sorry,” confessed the suddenly polite bird. “I promise to never swear again.”
Bill was astonished. He couldn’t understand the change in attitude.
“By the way,” asked the parrot, “what did the chicken do?”
GATES VS. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :
For no reason whatsoever whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,
"Hardly worth going home, is it?
Married too long?
Husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
CAT IN HEAVEN
The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is the receptionist at the entrance. A cat show up.
St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause andy trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."
Cat: "Well, I din always long to own a nice satin pillow like my naster had, so I could lie on it."
St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."
Next a group of mice appeared.
St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skated, please?"
St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."
Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and see the cat.
"Well, cat...did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too."
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